Grammar mistakes!

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. 

You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2- 3.' When you do that, you will be more studlier than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. '

I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' 

Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

Best comeback line ever....

It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

S.H.I.T

The Shit List

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost Shit

You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit

You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit

This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Shit

You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Shit

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit

This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Shit

This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish Shit

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Cement Block or Oh God Shit

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

Snake Shit

This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle

The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee Shit

The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit

The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler

The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber

The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit

The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper

The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Shit

The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Shit

The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit

You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit

It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit

The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

Children...

A teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by grade one kids ("6" year-olds), because the last one is classic! 

Strike while the .......................... .insect is close.

Never underestimate the power of............ants.

Don't bite the hand that. ................ ....looks dirty.

Better to be safe than............... .......punch a grade 7 boy.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll..... ......stink in the morning.

It's always darkest before............. ......Daylight-saving Time.

You can lead a hors e to water but.... .......how?

No news is.......................... ........impossible.

A miss is as good as a................. .....Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new....... .......maths.

Love all, trust..................... ........me.

The pen is mi ghtier than the........... .....pigs.

An idle mind is........................ .....the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.......... .......pollution.

Happy the bride who..................... ....gets all the presents.

A penny saved is...... ............ ..........not much.

Two's company, three's............... .......the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what........ ....you put on to go to bed

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as........... .......Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not......... ....smacked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed........... .....get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you.. ....see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind....... .....get out of the way.

LEARN YOUR LESBONICS

Q: What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? ..

A: A licker cabinet.

Q: What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? ...

A: A Klondyke.

Q: What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

A: Militia Etheridge.

Q: Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

A: Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

Q: What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? .... >>

A: Fur Traders.

Q: What is a lesbian dinosaur called? ....

A: A Lickalotapuss.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ...

A: Well Hung.

Q: Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? .

A: She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

Q: How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? .

A: Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

Q: What do you call lesbian twins?

A: Lick-a-likes.

Q: What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

A: One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.

Q: What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?

A: 100 people that don't do dick.

Near death experience !!!

My Near Death Experience

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her: 

“Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die”.    

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!! 

  

....I ALMOST DIED!!! 

The Loving Husband

Brokeback Mountain Ruined Things!!

Men and shopping... never mix the two!

Yes, this is a really funny account... I'm sure almost everyone can identify with!

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least.

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

Regards,

Tom Richards

Walmart Manager

Homecoming

An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says,

"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!"

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Mumbai immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then , don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??" and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "It's all set.
They're both coming for Diwali and paying their own airfare!!"

MORAL:
Live
Love
Laugh : )

Height of Creativity!

Size Does Matter

Size does count.

Sometimes it is better to have a small one....

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Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, ' Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

English Poem - TR

Yesterday I told my Love to Hema,
She told Aama,
So, I started loving her and went to cinema,
and I gave her Umma.

Later one days she told to forget her,
I asked Why Ma?

She told that her Mama,
Told about our Love to her Amma,
and said Bye ma,
And put me a BIG Namma.

At last I went to Coma,
And finally came to know that LOVE is a Drama,
So don't fall in Love Ma

Drollness

Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing.

Knock, Knock. 

Employee: Who's there? 

Boss: Not you anymore.

Patient : I always see spots before my eyes.

Doctor : Didn't the new glasses help?

Patient : Sure, Now i see the spots much clearer.!!

Man: What is  million years to u?

God: Only a second. 

Man: What is billion of Dollar to u?

God: Only a Coin.

Man: Ok give me a Coin.

God: Wait a second....

Mother to Teenage Daughter : "I think its time that we should talk about SEX."

Daughter : "Yes Mom, What do You want to know ?". 

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love & didn't notice."

Father: Tumhe kaisi biwi chahiye?

Son: Mujhe chand jai si biwi chahiye, Jo raat ko aaye aur subha chali jaye!

A young man asked a priest.........

Father: Is it a sin to sleep with a  girl?....

Priest: No my child.... But problem is that u guys never SLEEP...

A Wife is sleeping in the middle of the night, she suddenly shouts: "Get up quickly my husband is here!!!"

The man gets up from the bed, jumps out the window, hurts himslef and then realizes "Damn, I am the hasband!!!"

Who's guilty in the situation?????????????

Judge- Y did u attack that young man?

Old lady- he grabbed me, took my clothes off, threw me on d bed & shouted APRIL FOOL!

A girl & her grandma were sitting in the balcony. Girl shouted to her mother[who was inside]"mom, Tom cruise is coming"

Mother:"You come inside"

Few minutes later Girl shouted, "Mom, Clinton is coming"

Mother:"Ask your Grandma also to come inside" 

One is looking very upset by thinking that.......

"HOW HIS SISTER HAS 2 BROTHERS AND HE HAS ONLY ONE"

Two snakes meet each other..

First snake:I hope I am not poisonous.

Second snake:Why?

First snake:Because I bit my lip! 

I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how its done on Text!

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

A sardarji Doctor falls in Love with a Nurse.He writes a love letter to the Nurse :- I Love U sister....

Sardar to Girlfriend= Darling main tum se shaadi nahi karsakta gharwale mana karrahe hai. Girlfriend= Tumhare ghar me kaun kaun hai. Sardar= 1 biwi aur 3 bacche...

Banta Sing! u get marry with Santa after my death, Wife!, but why? He is ur no 1 enemy,Banta!, this is only way to take revenge with santa sing.

A woman goes 2 a dentist 4 tooth extraction doc tells her 2 lie down and gets ready with tools lady lifts her skirt,doc says im not a gynacologist im dentist she says i want to get my hubbys tooth removed

Husband to a newly wed Wife.I could go to the end of the worldfor u, wife thanks, but promise me u will stay there.

A husband was stung by a bee on his penis and it became swollen.  His wife prayed, "Oh God may you remove off the pain and leave the size as it is.

Maid cleaning bedroom found a used condom and kept looking at it. Madam asked dont you have sex in the village, Maid "Yes we do but not till the skin drops off.

A mother bought her son a $39 Halloween costume to scare his friends "Should I take the price tag off?", the boy asked. "Leave it on," his mother replied. "We'll scare your father too...

How Do U Tell To UR Girlfriend If U Want 2 go 2 Toilet During Dinner? Darling,I've 2 Shake Hands with a Close friend of MIne Whom I'm Going 2 introduce 2 u Later.

Quotable Quotes

• God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
• The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
• Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
• I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
• I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
• Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
• There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
• NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.
• Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
• Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.
• The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
• I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.
• You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

Answers to Questions you always wanted to know

Q: One Lady delivered twins surprisingly 1 is a boy and the other is a Dog. How is it possible?

A: Bcoz her husband is a Hutch user wherever he goes dog follows.

Q: Why did sardarji keep the door open while taking bath?

A: So that no one will peek thro the key hole...

Q: Why were males created before females? 

A: Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? 

A: How do you breathe through that thing?

Q: Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed? 

A: Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

Q:  Why do farts smell? 

A: For benefit of the deaf.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?

A: She couldn't find the recipe.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

A: About 45 pounds!!

Q: Whats the best thing about babies? 

A: MAKING THEM!

TV Spoils Friendship...

When George Bush goes to hell…

He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the next room.. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said....'Monica, you're free to go!'

Women are Women..!!! - Ultimate one :-) [True for few]

A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office ready to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side .

The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialled 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it .

When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief “I can't believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the woman. "Where's my new bracelet?

Best comeback line ever...

It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Words of Wisdom

Indian mother

A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. 

Later, he says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Indian mother replies,

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" I don't like her "

Iraq

A  soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt.  I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister.  You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm  not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of nuts...I don't want to go to Iraq either'