Friday, September 26, 2008

Spoken (Speak in) English

In Tamilnadu, there is a well known person by name Mr. Jeppier, Chairman of Sathyabama deemed university and some more self finance colleges.He always speaks in English. The college students have
collected & published a book by the name "Jappier's Spoken English" 

Some of the quotes in the book :-

# At the ground:
All of you stand in a straight circle.
There is no wind in the balloon.
The girl with the mirror please comes her...{Means: girl with specs please come here).

# To a boy , angrily:
I talk , he talk , why you middle middle talk?

# While punishing students:
You , rotate the ground four times... 
You , go and understand the tree...
You three of you stand together separately.
Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)

# While addressing students about Dress Code: (he is very strict abt this )
Every body should wear dress to college; Boys no proplum
Girls are pig proplum . (pig=big)
Girls should wear only salwar.. no nighty.
Girls should not wear T shirt , U shirt , V shirt.. but if you want to wear .... remove it when inside the campus and put it outside the campus.

# Sir at his best:
Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance , he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre , though the boy did not see them. 
So the next day at school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"


# Sir at his best inside the Class room:
  • Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
  • Open the doors of the window.. Let the Air Force come in.
  • Cut an apple into two halves - I will take the bigger half.
  • Shhh...Quiet , boys...the principal JUST PASSED AWAY in the corridor 
  • You , meet me behind the class. (Meaning AFTER the class...)
  • This one is cool >> "Both of u three get out of the class."

Men's Thoughts...

Thought 1 
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from? 
 

Thought 2 
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too. 
 

Thought 3 
A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. 

He went on, and was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?" 
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. 
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?" 

 

Thought 4 
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room wondered what it was.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card."

The whole audience including the priest erupted in laughter.......... except the poor Groom! 

Mars vs. Venus

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so  much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. 

EXAMPLE: 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' 

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'  

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't  decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. 
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. 

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' 

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.' 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' 

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' 

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I  buy you?' 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that B……h knows I'm smarter than her. 

Michelangelo's David returns to Italy

After a two year visit to the United States, Michelangelo's David is returning to Italy.


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After 


Dont' die for the company ...

The Smart Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's nursing it, the monkey runs wild. It jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in its mouth, and swallows it whole. 

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did? He just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table." 

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him. He's been driving me nuts." 

The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later, he returns with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild again. The monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now? He stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it." 

"Well, what do you expect?" the patron replied. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"

Marc Faber's comment on US economy

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following: 


''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.'

New US $ in circulation!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Why should you Focus when your boss is talking?

Ingenious speech

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile. 

A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about  Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named. 

When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath'. He removed his clothes, put them aside on 

the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.' The Pakistani 

representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then.' The Indian representative smiled and said, 

'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.' and they say Kashmir belongs to them! 

Homeless vagabonds

Dear Pastor,

I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting. My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday school admonition to 'Care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked.' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person'!

So I did..........




I won't be in church this Sunday.
















Never Lie to a Woman!!!

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....." 

Divorce

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Spain together! Have a great life!

*************************************************************************************

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, didn't comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care. Signed,

Your Ex-Wife (Rich As Hell and Free!)

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem 

Brain Drain

Girl' is the only thing about which brain uses maximum resource but comes with no output.  

Akash was waiting for his love ... "30 minutes late!!", his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??"

"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff .... oh there she is" "Scold her OK?", his brain adviced. "OK I will try"

Sweet Sheetal comes with the cutest smile and says "Im sorry honey ... I was shopping for shoes .. totally forgot about you" "What if you had said that line buddy?", shouted his brain ... "she would have had a nervous breakdown"

Akash ignored his brain .. "Its OK honey .. its only half an hour .. no problem" She smiled once again .. held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today"

"OMG!!!", thought Akash ....

"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I dont care about"

Brain got into action ... he started delegating work to different parts ... parallel processing .. multiple search .......... complete memory scan.

Sheetal stared at Akash .... "Hello!! u have been staring at me for 2 minutes now ... u OK?"

"Huh!!!", he said, "Oh ... nothing's wrong .. was lost in thought"

"No records found", said the brain ...

"Damn!!", thought Akash

"So what say ... how do we celebrate this day?", she asked.

Akash is all confused ... "Ask her ...dumbo?". said the brain

"OK OK ...stop pushing me"

"Honey .. U know my lousy memory .. I guess I cant recall what today is"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", she shouted ... and started crying.

"How could you forget!! ..... its my doggy's birthday""!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A moment of silence.

His entire brain staff was laughing at him.

Akash was dumbfounded. "What the hell am I supposed to do know?", he asked his brain.

"Damage control sequence initialized ... dont worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"

"Better do it fast  ...Brainy"

The brain was working at 90% capacity.... gathering and analyzing all data on 'How to handle women?'

Finally an answer was computed and communicated to Akash.

He looked up to her, and said "Of Course I remember your doggy's bday ... how can I forget that sweet mutt's special day"

She looked up with utter surprise... "HUH!!!!!!! ....... Doggy is the name of my cat you jerk"

She stood up angrily and left. Akash and his brain were left there clueless....

"Ah! Hell with u guys... I'm going home", said his brain and left. 

Performance vs. Position

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. 
Ahead of him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai !

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ..

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED' 

Moral of the story: It's Performance & not Position that ultimately counts.

Types of men in the loo!!

Excitable Type: Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

Sociable Type: Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.

Timid Type: Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has peed and sneaks back later.

Noisy Type: Whistles loudly. Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.

Indifferent Type: All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

Clever Type: Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at same time.

Vain Type: Undoes 5 buttons to take out tool when 2 would have done.

Absent Minded Type: Opens jacket, takes out his tie and pees in his pants.

Worried Type: Not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of his tool while peeing.

Disgruntled Type: Stands for a while, grunts,farts, tries to pee, fails, farts and walks away.

Sneaky Type: Drops silent fart while peeing, sniffs and looks at the bloke next to him.

Sloppy Type: Pees down into his shoe, walks out with his zip open and adjusts his balls 10 mins later.

Learned Type: Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.

Childish Type: Looks at the bottom of the urinal to watch bubbles while peeing.

Strong Type: Bangs tool on the side of the urinal to knock the drops off.

Drunken Type: Pulls out his tool, sees two, puts one back and pees in his trousers.

Embarrased Type: Covers his tool with both hands as he stands there and pees through his fingers.

Cockeyed Type: Stands in one cubical and pees in next.

Request for a raise in Salary

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
  • I do physical labor
  • I work at great depths
  • I plunge head first into everything I do
  • I do not get weekends off or public holidays
  • I work in a damp environment
  • I don't get paid overtime
  • I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
  • I work in high temperatures
  • My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis, 

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
  • You do not work 8 hours straight
  • You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
  • You do not always follow the orders of the management team
  • You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
  • You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
  • You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
  • You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
  • You'll retire well before reaching 65
  • You're unable to work double shifts
  • You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

The ultimate joke!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.

He was  so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare  and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.)
Before she  could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,  that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition"

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what  the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what  you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered  his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20  bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said...."Clean my  house."

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Learning Alphabets – the easy way

Since you might have forgotten all about alphabets... 
Let us learn it in a way we may never forget…                                                                                 
                                                                                                                                                      
A - Aristocrat   
B - Bagpiper 
C - Contessa 
D - Director's Special 
E - Eight PM 
F - Four Roses 
G - God Father 
H - Haywards 
I - Imperial Blue 
J - Johny Walker   
K - King Fisher 
L - Lincoln Lager
M - Master Brew 
N - Narragansett  Bock 
O - Old Monk   
P - Pioneer Ale   
Q - Quat 
R - Red Label 
S - Scotch   
T - Trommers White Label 
U - Utica CSAB   
V - VAT 69     
W - WATKINS   
X - XXX 
Y - Yotoc 
Z - Zingaro 



Send these drunkard letters to your friends.   Immediately you will get good luck for drinking with in 12 hours. If you ignore or delete this mail you wont be able to get in touch with alcohol for 1 Year...    
                                                                                                                                    

Can you win, fighting against a woman?

Wife vs. Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument andneither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


Creation
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." 

He left it where he knew she would find it.  The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Sister Logical and Sister Mathematical...

There were two nuns... 
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical and the other one was known as Sister Logical.
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. 


Sister Mathematical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. 

Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us. 

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? 
What can we do? 

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. 

Sister Mathematical: It's not working. 

Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. 

Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. 

Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. 

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. 

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. 

Then Sister Logical arrives. 

Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! 
Tell me what happened! 

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. 
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me 

Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then? 

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. 
I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. 

Sister Mathematical: And? 

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. 

Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do? 

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. 

Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? 

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. 


Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then? 

Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? 

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

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And for those of you, who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Mary’s!

 

Are Men better friends?

Women:                                                                                                                
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.                                                    
                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                
Men:                                                                                                                  
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight. 

So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 
5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!                                                                                 
                                                                                                                            
Conclusion : Men are better friends   

Interesting one liners!!!

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people,   and kill them.
  
Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
  
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
  
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served.

The road to success is always under construction.

I say no to drugs - They just don't listen!

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of your time.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Born free; Taxed to death.
  
Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don't have film.
  
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
  
Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.
  
I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
  
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and  the  blinking red light.
  
The hardest part of skating is the ice.
  
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy who invented  the  other three, he was the genius.
  
The trouble with being punctual is that there's no one there to appreciate  it.
 
If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe  you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch  it to  be sure.

Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
  
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  
Someday is not a day of the week.

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

One liners...

This week is Breast Awareness Week. 
Spread the slogan: “We stare because we care!”
 
70 ways to make a woman happy: 
No. 1 is shopping & the rest is '69'. 
 
We had a girl to stay; her name was Viginia. 
We called her Virgin for short, but not for long. 
 
Father in Church: An hour's pleasure is not worth a lifetime of disgrace. 
Any questions?
Someone yelled: Tell me how do you make it last an hour? 
 
Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity – 
Don't screw the opportunity! 
 
Q: What is Fashion Designing?
A: Too many brains working on too little clothes with too many ideas on how to cover two little areas. 
 
Q: What is d similarity between doing sex & doing surgery?
A: Skill is more important than the instrument... 
 
“I'm not a Gynaecologist, 
But I wouldn't mind having a look…”
 
Q: What is Female Viagra.
A: Jewellery. 
 
An old woman calls the Police department and says: 
“I have a Sex Maniac in my apartment. Pick him up in the morning!”
  
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. 
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to: “Hang Till Death!”
 
Girl: Xcuse me brother, that's my seat.
Boy: OK! But I'm not ur brother, my father never fucked ur mom.
Girl: True, but my father did! 
 
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene, even if their entry is restricted...! 
 
Every married man keeps wondering every evening: 
“Should I go out and look at what I cannot fuck or....Stay home and fuck what I cannot look at....”
 
Sex n shopping has one thing in common: 
In both the cases, men start sweating in 15 minutes n women want to go on and on and on and on! 
 
Q: How do you define a virgin?
A: On the Verge but not in! 
 
Q: What is the definition of a Lesbian?
A: Yet another Damm Woman trying to do a Man's job!! 
 
A football team loses their star player, 
Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day a headline reads: 
‘Team to play without Dicks.’

The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the headline. 
It reads: ‘Team to play with Dicks out.’
 
Q: What do politicians and porn stars have in common? 
A: They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera.

World Submarine Racing Championships

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Well what the F*** did you expect to see?



It happens only in India…



















Peg After Peg… Peg After Peg…!

I never take risk while drinking 

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen . 
I stealthily enter the house 
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame 
But still no one is aware of it 
Becoz I never take a risk ...... 


I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink 
Quickly enjoy one peg 
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack 
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard 
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile 
I peep into the kitchen 
Wife is cutting potatoes 
No one is aware of what I did 
Becoz I never take a risk ...


I: Any news on chopra's daughter's marriage 
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her 
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard 
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle 
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink 
Quickly enjoy one peg 
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink 
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard 
But still no one is aware of what I did 
Becoz I never take a risk ...


I: But still I think chopra's daughter's age is not that much 
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse 
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh... 
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard 
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed 
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink 
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly 

I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keepit in 
the black cupboard 
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove 
But still no one is aware of what I did 
Becoz I never take a risk ...

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...! 
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly... 

I take out the bottle from the potatoes 
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg 
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack 
Wife is giving a smile 
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking 
But still no one is aware of what I did 
Becoz I never take a risk ...

I: (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!! 
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face... 

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack 
Stove is also on the rack 
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside 
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink 
But none of the horses are aware of what I did 
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk n chopra is still cooking 

And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing

Becoz I never take what???

Employee Profile - Based on Zodiac Signs

Aries Employee Profile (March 21 - April 19)

Aries employees make excellent troubleshooters. They'll usually want to be out in the field at a variety of different work sites fixing things. They certainly won't be happy for very long behind a desk in a 9 to 5 schedule.

The bored Aries employee who has been forced into a square hole will typically be restless, angry, and careless with details. No amount of money would compensate for being stuck in a routine job. Money in fact isn't why they are working at all. They do want to be paid fairly and need a status position to satisfy their competitive tendencies--but even more importantly, they'll want challenging new projects They typically like to have a sense of responsibility and need to feel needed. 

In return, they'll give their all and provide detailed, consistent work. They will literally work themselves to exhaustion to prove themselves. If you want to keep your Aries co- worker productive and happy, you'll want to give them the opportunity to work independently or let them help and lead less experienced workers.




Taurus Employee Profile (April 20 - May 20)

Taureans make some of the best employees. They are loyal, hardworking, and
no-nonsense. They work methodically and follow projects through until they are complete.

Some may appear to work a little too slowly-usually because they are so careful-but they will always finish what they start. 
They thrive on structure, schedules, and routine. You'll find them doing the same exact thing at the same time every day.

Taureans, however, are not exactly the malleable workers that they often appear to be.
If they have to work in a chaotic environment, they won't be happy and will be prone to child-like temper tantrums and stubbornness. They might react similarly if they have to work around ignorant people or at a job where there is no obvious potential for advancement. Taureans will be very unhappy if there isn't a ladder for them to climb. Even in the worst situations, they will find a way to advance slowly, winning over the most difficult people who may stand in their way of progress.

Taurus employees will only take so much patiently and happily before they feel they are being taken advantage of. They will gladly accept orders and do whatever dirty work needs to get
done, but they expect rewards.

They want material gain, salary increases, and the potential for more
power.

To make your Taurus employees happy, be sure to give them projects through which they will see tangible results-hopefully something that will allow them to express their unique creativity in addition to their practical side.

They don't want to feel mired in details for long periods of time. Make sure to schedule regular performance and salary reviews. This show of respect should keep them loyal to the company.



Gemini Employee Profile (May 21 - June 21)

Gemini employees can have difficulty concentrating on one thing for long periods of time.

They have quick-moving minds and love to talk and communicate their ideas with others. They thrive on social interaction -- even if their jobs don't particularly support it. You'll be able to find them wandering from desk to desk gossiping about all the sordid news in the office.

They can be powerful persuaders in their speech and make ideal salespeople and mediators. They love to negotiate and can work out the best Deal for everyone involved. When properly stimulated, they can manage to keep their wandering mind focused and actually be quite productive. When they are bored, bogged down with mundane detail-work, or forced to work with people who they consider droll, they can become mean-spirited and gossipy. Their moods can fluctuate vastly day to day, as well as their productivity. It is really against t heir nature to be forced into an average workday schedule and environment. They are happier traveling. lf they are in an office they will need constant new stimulation. Most will want advancement if they see
this as a way to escape the limitations of their jobs. This can motivate them to put extra effort into their job. If you work with a Gemini, try to avoid getting into any debates with them they will surely win and it could end in some hard feelings on your part. They will need an accepting
environment-one that supports their need for multi-tasking.



Cancer Employee Profile (June 22 - July 21)

The Cancer employee isn't at work to feed their ego -- their job is just a job and a means to get paid.

They work steadily and are usually very reliable. You'll be able to depend on them to show up on time and do what is necessary. They won't get involved in power struggles or get upset when someone advances before them.

They are able to accept the situation because they see it simply as a rung on the ladder up.
Their motivation is security. They'll want more money the longer they've stayed at a job.

They don't want to have to worry about how they'll make ends meet tomorrow so they'll need a stable position without much risk. Cancerian workers can slip into some dark moods on occasion. During these periods productivity tends to drop-as well as everyone else's in the office. Their moods can be so strong everyone becomes affected. 

To avoid the frequency of these occurrences, managers and co-workers should try to make the work environment as homey as possible-keep it well heated, cozy, and friendly.

Don't press them to reveal their true inner thoughts-their tendency is to be secretive and protective, and they could see prying as an attempt to disturb their security.



Leo Employee Profile (July 22 - August 21)

Leo workers want to be first and at the center of the office.
Even if they can't lead, they'll look for every opportunity to increase their own status   and if someone else seems ahead of them, look out. They will make it clear that they aren't happy by pouting and complaining.

They want advancement so much that they'll take on more responsibility and carry a heavier load than anyone   else does in the office. And they are self-promoters. It is likely that they are telling everyone in the office what a great job they are doing as well as giving everyone unwanted advice.

They know they are superior and want everyone to know it as well.
This arrogance can sometimes cause problems when working with management.
But typically, they are just hard workers out to demonstrate just how good they really are.
They thrive in sales positions - they can promote a product or company just as well as they promote themselves.

Their strength and arrogance isn't just show either.
In a crisis situation, Leos really demonstrate their true courage.

Leos want to lead and will be pushing for more responsibility and rewards. They are happy to train and mentor new co- workers as they enjoy giving advice and being in positions of authority.
If you are trying to manage a Leo employee, you'll need to give them plenty of praise, responsibility, and independence. 
They will certainly want to help lighten your load of management responsibilities. Just be careful- the next thing you know they could be taking over your job.



Virgo Employee Profile (August 22 - September 22)

In the right situations Virgos love to work. They make ideal employees, happily working late into the night to make sure everything is perfect and in order. If you are looking for an employee who doesn't mind starting from rock bottom in the most entry-level position at the company, hire a Virgo.

They'll have no complaints about the position being beneath them. They are CONTENT with basic, honest hard work. Their contentment isn't always apparent, however... They love to complain and worry. They are quick to criticize the way things are done around the office and are the first ones to grumble disapprovingly at what they consider to be extravagance or
laziness. 

They are blunt and honest and don't mince words over what they feel just isn't right. Usually, this will be brought on by someone doing a half-baked job or not being considerate of other co-workers. You'll want to constantly reassure them, but this will do little to quell their anxieties.

They actually enjoy worrying, and there is little you can do about it. Just give them a detail - oriented project and let them work alone on it. You won't have to supervise a Virgo worker. They'll check all the facts before getting started and catch their own errors when they are done. To keep a Virgo employee happy, you should also make sure their environment is orderly and calm. You should also provide small gestures of appreciation. 

They don't need extravagance; just let them know you appreciate them in small ways that won't embarrass them. They will probably just shrug their shoulders and say, "It's no big deal." But deep down inside they need these little reassurances.



Libra Employee Profile (September 23 - October 22)

Libra employees are detailed, dedicated workers with sensitive natures.
Managers and co-workers sometimes find them difficult to get a handle on.

They pick up the energy of the office and are unable to prevent it from affecting them. Loud noise, flashy colors, and discordant vibrations will put them off so much that they will have difficulty fulfilling their obligations at work.

One day they may seem like the most bright, hardworking, ambitious employee
around. The next day they might be down, irritated, and unable to produce.
Co-workers shouldn't fret when Libra employees are in a dark mood. It really won't last, as a happy state of mind can come over them just as quickly. When Libra employees are in a balanced frame of mind, they can be a powerful presence at work-they have a way of gracing everything they touch. 

Underneath that mess of moods, they really are basically happy and stable people. They are capable of profound logical thought and evaluate all sides of a situation before acting. They are one of the most intelligent Signs around. They are expert researchers and mediators. And their sensitivity to their environment makes them naturals at keeping things looking great. They will easily help others resolve conflicts and can act as a go-between with workers and management so that everyone ends up happy. 

If you want to keep your Libran worker smiling, give them the respect they are due and put them in a position where they can project their great charm and diplomacy. They won't be CONTENT to take orders for very long, either- make sure they are given increased responsibility.



Scorpio Employee Profile (October 23 - November 21)

Scorpio employees usually exude a quiet self-confidence. They are elf-sufficient and do not depend on others for a sense of self-worth. They keep their private life separate from work and take complete responsibility for their actions and their situation. 

They don't make excuses; they just take care of business and expect everyone else to do the same. Those who don't, co- workers and managers- will have to endure the Scorpio wrath.

They don't mind being completely vocal about what they feel is wrong with any given situation. And if you tread on their fire be sure to expect retaliation. They won't take insults or opposition lying down. If you manage a Scorpio employee, be sure to follow through with your word and
don't break any promises-Scorpio is keeping track and building up some heavy resentments against you if you do. You may not even be aware of it until too late-but when Scorpio gets too much, you'll be sure to know.

Scorpio employees will react towards those around them exactly as they are treated. When they get what they want, they will be very accepting. If you are trying to work with or motivate a Scorpio co-worker, be sure to treat them respectfully and act professionally. Give them challenging work that allows them to utilize their awesome self-confidence and courage.



Sagittarius Employee Profile (November 22 - December 21)

The Sagittarian employee is head strong, cheerful, and willing to help.
They exude self-confidence and take on tasks like there's no tomorrow. They are willing to tackle even the toughest of projects as long as it is challenging and gets them out of the routine. Lucky for them, their shining personalities and honest enthusiasm seem like a bright spot in the office-
otherwise co-workers might begin to build animosity towards someone so arrogant and extravagant. 

Their tendency to exaggerate and take on more then they can handle usually results in missed deadlines and dropping the ball-not because they are lazy of procrastinate, but because their
enthusiasm just gets the better of them sometimes. Don't let their nonchalance fool you-they really do care about what they are doing. They just have an easy-going attitude that allows them to keep on smiling even when they just messed up big time. 

Just because they are flexible and easy-going doesn't mean they won't tell you exactly how they feel-what is working for them and what isn't? And they won't just blindly take orders - they need to understand the method and reason behind the process. 

If you are trying to motivate your Sagittarian employee, be sure to feed them plenty of challenging new projects and hint that some business trips might be on the horizon once deadlines are met. And whatever you do, try not to question their intentions - it is the quickest way to make them upset. They aren't capable of deceit.



Capricorn Employee Profile (December 22 - January 20)

A Capricorn employee with too much to do is a happy worker. They need plenty of projects and responsibility. There is no sadder sight than a Capricorn worker without a sense of responsibility. They need to be needed.

They are covertly ambitious - usually not flashy or obvious about it-but you will usually know that they are serious and determined about advancing themselves. They are completely scrupulous, so much so that they can be self-disparaging. But they are no pushovers. They can wear down even the toughest customers. 

Their persistence is incredible. Once they set their sights on a goal, they work away at it until the bitter end-whether the goal is that hard sell or the new hardware release. Capricorns don't work
for free, however. 

They expect to be paid handsomely and be given more and more responsibility. They need to come out ahead of the pack in the end, and they see the work environment as their primary vehicle. They won't go in for the typical office gossip and politics, though. 

They want to get down to business at work and see it as no place for fooling around. With a
strong sense of duty and respect towards their superiors, it is rare they will join in on boss-bashing or knocking the system. They can get frustrated, however, with blue sky management schemes that lack common sense, and they will interject their dry sense of humor in the most
critical ways.

If they want change, they will be unyielding. If all their effort leads to naught the result will be deep moods of darkness and depression with a sense of hopelessness. Keep your Capricorn employee happy by paying them fairly and giving them plenty of hard work. Arrange for a
path of advancement within your organization for them. If you don't, you might find them looking for other opportunities.



Aquarius Employee Profile (January 21 - February 19)

The Aquarius employee can't tolerate unfairness in the office. Hair brained schemes will get the positive attention they deserve if an Aquarian has anything to do with it. They'll try to help everyone see the good side of a bad situation if it's the last thing that they do. They are so smart-they can't help but hold management in disdain if they feel that they are being unfair and unintelligent. 

It isn't that they are overly ambitious and think they could be doing a better job- just that they think people in power should know better.

Most Aquarius workers are still looking for themselves and will want to try their hand at a variety of jobs in the workplace.
Whatever they are doing, they will do conscientiously. They usually have strict personal codes that include a strong work ethic.

Their bright, off-beat intelligence and trustworthiness will typically gain them many friends-in and out of work. Beneath that sometimes odd-ball behavior is solid, concrete thinking and
sensitivity to co-workers.

Keep your smart Aquarius co-worker happy by giving them plenty of opportunity to learn news kills.

Raises are less important to them. No amount of money will make it worth their while to stay in a stagnant position. 

Don't let them get too bored or they will simply find another job as easily as they found this one-their genius is easy to spot.



Pisces Employee Profile (February 20 - march 20)

The Pisces employee can be a loyal and hard-working, if unconventional, worker. In the right position, they are able to keep their daydreams in check and buckle down on the detail work-giving their all to the boss and corporation whom they feel are worthy of devotion. On the flip side, there is no image of extreme misery like that of an ill-placed Pisces worker.

They will act as though their cubicle were a prison cell as they daydream of their own business or next vacation. Unhappy Pisces workers usually won't stick   around too long. Often Pisceans will drift from one job to another looking for that ideal environment to which they will be able to
commit   and feel a sense of purpose. And if things are going in a bad direction at the office, Pisces will be the first to sense it.

They'd rather pick up and leave then wait until the problem reaches a head. 

Pisces are often misunderstood by their co-workers. Typically timid and introspective, they usually keep their true nature hidden, for fear it wouldn't fit with the corporate culture.

What motivates a Pisces employee to not only stick around but also excel? Try compliments. And show them how their work impacts the entire organization. 

They need to know that what they are doing is worth something on a grander scale. Acceptance of their unconventional organization and planning will be necessary. Just because their sales report isn't in the typical format doesn't mean it is any   less effective. Keep their environment bright and upbeat; and an after-work cocktail wouldn't hurt.