Do Re Mi - Hic Hic Hic!!!

DO... the stuff... that buys me beer...

RAY... the guy that sells me beer...

ME... the guy... who drinks the beer,

FAR... a long way to get beer...

SO... I'll have another beer...

LA... I'll have another beer...

TEA... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

Adult Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

OH, don't groan. You know DAMN well you're going to send this on to somebody.

Live well, laugh hard, & love dearly!

Why God Made Moms...

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

When you stop Laughing - Send it to other Mothers, Grandmothers, aunts and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh.

Letters to 'Dear Pastor'

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.

Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.

Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, age 11, Anderson.

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?

Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.

Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.

Sincerely, Eleanor Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.

Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.

Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.

Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.

Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.

Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.

Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?

Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

Outstanding…Sardar Humor

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?

Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status

Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..

Friend: How do u know?

Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!

Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?

Sardar: ZEBRA

Teacher: How?

Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White

Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court..

Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.

Manager: Do U know MS Office?

Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "

Air hostess said: "B silent."

Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"

Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...!!!

Sardar: Miss, Do u called 2 my mobile?

Teacher: Me? No, why?

Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call".

(Had never thought of it)

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?

Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

Economic realties in today's world...

Interesting.....Don't miss last Questions...

Some, rather most organizations reject his CV today because he has changed jobs frequently (10 in 14 years). My friend, the 'job hopper' (referred here as Mr. JH), does not mind it.... well he does not need to mind it at all. Having worked full-time with 10 employer companies in just 14 years gives Mr. JH the relaxing edge that most of the 'company loyal' employees are struggling for today. Today, Mr. JH too is laid off like some other 14-15 year experienced guys - the difference being the latter have just worked in 2-3 organizations in the same number of years. Here are the excerpts of an interview with Mr. JH:

Q: Why have you changed 10 jobs in 14 years?

A: To get financially sound and stable before getting laid off the second time.

Q: So you knew you would be laid off in the year 2009?

A: Well I was laid off first in the year 2002 due to the first global economic slowdown. I had not got a full-time job before January 2003 when the economy started looking up; so I had struggled for almost a year without job and with compromises.

Q: Which number of job was that?

A: That was my third job.

Q: So from Jan 2003 to Jan 2009, in 6 years, you have changed 8 jobs to make the count as 10 jobs in 14 years?

A: I had no other option. In my first 8 years of professional life, I had worked only for 2 organizations thinking that jobs are deserved after lot of hard work and one should stay with an employer company to justify the saying 'employer loyalty'. But I was an idiot.

Q: Why do you say so?

A: My salary in the first 8 years went up only marginally. I could not save enough and also, I had thought that I had a 'permanent' job, so I need not worry about 'what will I do if I lose my job'. I could never imagine losing a job because of economic slowdown and not because of my performance. That was January 2002.

Q: Can you brief on what happened between January 2003 and 2009.

A: Well, I had learnt my lessons of being 'company loyal' and not 'money earning and saving loyal'. But then you can save enough only when you earn enough. So I shifted my loyalty towards money making and saving - I changed 8 jobs in 6 years assuring all my interviewers about my stability.

Q: So you lied to your interviewers; you had already planned to change the job for which you were being interviewed on a particular day?

A: Yes, you can change jobs only when the market is up and companies are hiring. You tell me - can I get a job now because of the slowdown? No. So one should change jobs for higher salaries only when the market is up because that is the only time when companies hire and can afford the expected salaries.

Q: What have you gained by doing such things?

A: That's the question I was waiting for. In Jan 2003, I had a fixed salary (without variables) of say Rs. X p.a. In January 2009, my salary was 8X. So assuming my salary was Rs.3 lakh p.a. in Jan 2003, my last drawn salary in Jan 2009 was Rs.24 lakh p.a. (without variable). I never bothered about variable as I had no intention to stay for 1 year and go through the appraisal process to wait for the company to give me a hike.

Q: So you decided on your own hike?

A: Yes, in 2003, I could see the slowdown coming again in future like it had happened in 2001-02. Though I was not sure by when the next slowdown would come, I was pretty sure I wanted a 'debt-free' life before being laid off again. So I planned my hike targets on a yearly basis without waiting for the year to complete.

Q: So are you debt-free now?

A: Yes, I earned so much by virtue of job changes for money and spent so little that today I have a loan free 2 BR flat (1200 sq. feet) plus a loan free big car without bothering about any EMIs. I am laid off too but I do not complain at all. If I have laid off companies for money, it is OK if a company lays me off because of lack of money.

Q: Who is complaining?

A: All those guys who are not getting a job to pay their EMIs off are complaining. They had made fun of me saying I am a job hopper and do not have any company loyalty. Now I ask them what they gained by their company loyalty; they too are laid off like me and pass comments to me - why will you bother about us, you are already debt-free. They were still in the bracket of 12-14 lakh p.a. when they were laid off.

Q: What is your advice to professionals?

A: Like Narayan Murthy had said - love your job and not your company because you never know when your company will stop loving you. In the same lines, love yourself and your family needs more than the company's needs. Companies can keep coming and going; family will always remain the same. Make money for yourself first and simultaneously make money for the company, not the other way around.

Q: What is your biggest pain point with companies?

A: When a company does well, its CEO etc will address the entire company saying, 'well done guys, it is YOUR company, keep up the hard work, I am with you." But when the slowdown happens and the company does not do so well, the same CEO etc will say, "It is MY company and to save the company, I have to take tough decisions including asking people to go." So think about your financial stability first; when you get laid off, your kids will complain to you and not your boss.

And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

So, I took her to a gas station..

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Naaah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started..... .

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed ...

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...

The Stranger - We have one in each home...

This is very interesting and not the kinda ending one would expect!!!

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with

Adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major Cricket world cup game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped

Talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular

Basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.

He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?.... .. .

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We just call him 'TV"

He has a wife now....and we call her 'Computer.'

The 10 Commandments - Texas Style

People in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten Commandments.

Folks there just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

The Cowboy's Ten Commandments

1. Just one God.
   
2. Honor yer Ma & Pa.
   
3. No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
   
4. Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.
   
5. Put nothin' before God.
   
6. No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
   
7. No killin.'
   
8. Watch yer mouth.
   
9. Don't take what ain't yers.
   
10. Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
    

Creation - Adam & Eve

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history....

The Power of Prayer

A math teacher and a pastor went to heaven the same day. St. Peter met them at the gate and welcomed them profusely. To the math teacher, he said, "Let me show you to your new home." They went to a large house with beautiful rooms, fine furniture and the latest electronic toys.

Then he took the pastor to his one room, a monastic cell. The pastor complained, "I don't understand! All my adult life I have served God and this is the thanks I get! What did the math teacher do to deserve such treatment?"

St. Peter replied, "Whenever you preached, some people in the congregation always went to sleep. Whenever the math teacher taught, everyone in his class would begin to pray."

Children's Notes To God

Dear God, 

Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. 

There is nothing good in there now.

Dear Mr. God, 

I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.

Dear God, 

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).

Dear God, 

I read the bible. What does begat mean? 

Nobody will tell me.

Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons

1. Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
2. See if a yawn really is contagious.
3. Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
4. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
5. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
6. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you.  After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
7. Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
8. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
9. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
10. Whip out a hankie and blow your nose.  Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
11. Chew gum:  If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
12. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
13. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
14. While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.
15. Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.
16. See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before someone catches you.
17. Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.
18. Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.

Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl" but it's only September!

Laloo's English

Laloo was ccupying the lower berth, Rabri the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train compartment. 

The train stopped at one of the stations on the way back and his son joins Laloo at the platform to get himself a Cadburys chocolate. When Laloo and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth. 

Upset and angry, Laloo called the Ticket checker & demanded him to help. The Ticket checker said that he could not understand Hindi or Bihari either so, it would be appropriate if Laloo explained the whole situation to him in English. 

So Laloo explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child." 

Cheat in Exam

Square Testicles

This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the President of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. 

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.  The elderly woman replied that she made bets. 

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' 

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. 

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. 

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there 

was no way he could lose the bet. 

The next morning at exactly 10 o'cloc k the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. 

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.  Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige. 

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' 

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !' 

Fart Philosophy!!!

A fart is a  pleasant thing,

It gives the  belly ease,

It warms the bed  in winter,

And suffocates  the fleas.

A fart can be  quiet,

A fart can be  loud,

Some leave a  powerful,

Very poisonous  cloud

A fart can be  short,

Or a fart can be  long,

Some farts have  been known

To sound like a  song......

A fart can even create

A most curious  medley,

A fart can be  harmless,

Or silent , and  deadly.

A fart might not  smell,

While others are  vile,

A fart may pass  quickly,

Or linger for a  while......

A fart can occur

In any number of  places,

And leave every  one there,

With strange  looks on their faces.

From wide-open  prairie,

To small  elevators,

A fart will find  all of us

Sooner or  later.

But are farts all  bad,

It's simply not  true-

We must never  forget...... .

Sweet old farts  like you!

Begging can become a true profession if you know how

Parvinder and Habib are London beggars. They beg in different areas of the West End ..

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of 10 pound notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of 10 pound notes every day?'.

Parvinder says, .... 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'

Parvinder says ' No wonder you only get 2 or 3 pounds

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign......

It reads, 'I only need another 10 pounds to move back to Pakistan '.

Concert

Brownie

Ultimate truth - Cool Ones!!! (Uncanny-but true!)

• Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. 
  
• To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy. 
  
• The road to success??.. Is always under construction. 
  
• Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again,… neither does Milk.  he he   
  
• In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. 
  
• All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else. 
  
• Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak. 
  
• Everyone has a scheme of getting rich... Which never works.!! 
  
• If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.!! 
  
• You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.!! 
  
• Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.!! 
  
• As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.!! 
  
• He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule. !! 
  
• If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? , The bus is still late.. !! 
  
• Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate. !! 
  
• When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.!! 
  
• If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls. !! 
  
• Especially for engg. Students---- 
  
• If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance. !! 
  
• You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming. !! 
  
• The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.!! 
  
• After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other. !! 
  
• If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight. !! 
  
• Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker!!!
  

The Barber

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.

Follow that guy, and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves here?"

Bill looked up, choking on laughter, tears in his eyes, and said, "Your house."

Smiles from kids...

A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in   her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.  

It's hard to believe these were actually done by grader one kids ("6 " year-olds),  

Don't bite the hand that --- looks dirty.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll --- stink in the morning.

No news is --- impossible.

You can't teach an old dog new  ---  maths.

Love all, trust ---  me.

The pen is mightier than the --- pigs.

Where there's smoke there's --- pollution.

A penny saved is --- not much.

Two's company, three's --- the Musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and --- you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as --- Stevie Wonder.

When the blind leadeth the blind --- get out of the way.  

And the favourite: Better late than ---  pregnant! 

A Blonde & A Brunette

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a very handsome looking man with great hair but obvious

dandruff gets into the20 elevator.

The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is.

The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator.

Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God, was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies.....

"How do you give Shoulders?"

Indian Politician's Tamasha

Look at this- Picture of the week…   

“Kaunaa”nidhii  Fasting 

First time in the world history fasting only 4 hours……. 

This is the comedy of the year 2009… 

We have min. six hours gap between our lunch & dinner on a normal day :) 

The Rodeo Bull's...

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.' 

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.' 

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' 

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,'That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one 

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery. 

Tale of the 'Made in India Cow'

The only cow in a small town in Australia stopped giving milk. The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in India quite cheaply. They brought the cow from India and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in india?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had bought the cow over from india.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in india ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from india"

Best Icecream Commercial

AARP Survey - Old, but worth it - Seniors Survey

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore - under fiction.

Q: What can a ma n do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to  Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

 A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

 A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year-old people use valet parking? 

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year-olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem.

    

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year-olds when they enter antique stores?

 A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'

Remember You Don't Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old,  You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing...

Aussie Humour

A Scotsman, a Dutchman, and an AUSTRALIAN are discussing what present to give to their wives for letting them attend the World Cup.

The Dutchman and Scotsman manage to choose gifts, while the Australian cannot decide. 

  

He asks the Dutchman "What did you get your lovely wife?"

"I got my wife a necklace and a scarf" replies the Dutchman.

"Why two gifts?" the Australian asks.

"Well,if she doesn't like the necklace she can cover it up with the scarf."

  

The Australian is well impressed with this and asks the Scotsman "What did you buy for your wife?"

"I got my wife a ring and a pair of gloves" he replies.

"Two gifts as well?" replies the Australian.

"Yes, if she doesn't like the ring she can cover it with the gloves".

  

The Australian has a good think about this and goes away to buy his wife a present. He meets up with the other two in the pub later and they ask him what he got the wife.

"I got her a dress and a vibrator" he replies smugly.

"Why those two gifts?" they replied.

"Well, if she doesn't like the dress she can go f**k herself".