Some Classic resume bloopers

Some Classic resume bloopers

 

From an Archive…

 

1. Job Duties: "Answer phones, file papers, respond to customer e-mails, take odors."
2. Interests: "Gossiping."
3. Favorite Activities: "Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge."
4. Skills: "I can type without looking at thekeyboard."
5. Employer: " Myself; received pay raise for high sales."
6. Objective: "I want to play a major part in watching a company advance."
7. Experience: "Chapter president, 1887-1992."
8. Experience: "Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting."
9. Experience: "I'm a hard worker, etc."
10. Languages: "Speak English and Spinach."
11. Reason for leaving: "I thought the world was coming to an end."
12. Additional skills: "I am a Notary Republic."
13. Objective: "So one of the main things for me is, as the movie 'Jerry McGuire' puts it, 'Show me the money!'"
14. Skills: "I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home."
15. Objective: "To hopefully associate with a millionaire one day."
16. Skills: "I have technical skills that will take your breath away."
17. Qualifications: "I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you."
18. Objective: "I need money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup."
19. Qualifications: "Twin sister has accounting degree."
20. Experience: "Have not yet been abducted by aliens."
21. Skills: "Written communication = 3 years; verbal communication = 5 years."
22. Objective: "I would like to work for a company that is very lax when it comes to tardiness."
23. Education: "I possess a moderate educatin but willing to learn more."
24. Education: "Have repeated courses repeatedly."
25. Salary requirements: "The higher the better."
26. Salary desired: "Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job."
27. Bad traits: "I am very bad about time and don't mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn't make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare."
28. References: "Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don't know their phone numbers."
29. Work experience: "Two years as a blackjack and baccarat dealer. Strong emphasis on customer relations - a constant challenge considering how much money people lose and how angry they can get."
30. Personal: "I limit important relationships to people who want to do what I want them to do."
31. Objective: "Student today. Vice president tomarrow."
32. Accomplishments: "Brought in a balloon artist to entertain the team."
33. Application: Why should an employer hire you? "I bring doughnuts on Friday."
34. Achievements: "First runner-up for Miss Fort Worth, 1982."
35. Reason for leaving: "Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
36. Special skills: "I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
37. Reason for leaving last job: "Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state."
38. Experience: "Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed."
39. Objective: "To become Overlord of the Galaxy!"
40. Objective: "What I'm looking for in a job: #1) Money #2) Money #3) Money."
41. Hobbies: "Mushroom hunting."
42. Experience: "Child care provider: Organized activities; prepared lunches and snakes."
43. Objective: "My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can't do that, I'll settle on being an accountant."
44. Awards: "National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes."
45. Heading on stationery: "I'd Break Mom's Heart to Work For You!"
46. "I am a 'neat nut' with a reputation for being hardnosed. I have no patience for sloppywork, carelessmistakes and theft of companytime."
47. Experience: "Provide Custer Service."
48. Experience: "I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around."
49. Strengths: "Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
50. Work experience: "Responsibilities included checking customers out."
51. Work experience: "Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees' paychecks."
52. Educational background: "Highschool was a incredible experience."
53. Resume: "A great management team that has patents with its workers."
54. Cover letter: "Experienced in all faucets of accounting."
55. Objective: "I am anxious to use my exiting skills."
56. Personal: "I am loyal and know when to keep my big mouth shut."
57. Job duties: "Filing, billing, printing and coping."
58. Application: "Q: In what local areas do you prefer to work? A: Smoking."
59. Reason for leaving: "Terminated after saying, 'It would be a blessing to be fired.'"
60. Personal: "My family is willing to relocate. However not to New England (too cold) and not to Southern California (earthquakes). Indianapolis or Chicago would be fine. My youngest prefers Orlando's proximity to Disney World."
61. Resume: "I have a lifetime's worth of technical expertise (I wasn't born - my mother simply chose 'eject child' from the special menu."
62. Resume: "Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve."
63. Qualifications: "I have extensive experience with foreign accents."
64. "I am fully aware of the king of attention this position requires."
65. References: "Please do not contact my immediate supervisor at the company. My colleagues will give me a better reference."
66. "Worked in a consulting office where I carried out my own accountant."
67. Accomplishments: "My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
68. Career: "I have worked with restraints for the past two years."
69. Experience: "My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience."
70. Education: "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

Bullshit Bingo - How to stay awake in meetings....

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.

 

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns - five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

a.       Synergy

b.      Strategic fit

c.       Core competencies

d.      Best practice

e.       Bottom line

f.        Revisit

g.       Expeditious

h.      To tell you the truth (or "the truth is")

i.        24/7

j.        Out of the loop

k.       Benchmark

l.        Value-added

m.    Proactive

n.      Win-win

o.      Think outside the box

p.      Fast track

q.      Result-driven

r.       Empower (or empowerment)

s.       Knowledge base

t.        At the end of the day

u.      Touch base

v.      Mindset

w.     Client focus(ed)

x.      Paradigm

y.      Game plan

z.       Leverage

 

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

 

Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

 

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."

- Adam, Atlanta

 

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."

- David, Florida   (proved effective...J)

 

"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."

 - Dan, New York City

 

"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box."

- Ben, Denver, (LOL.....J)

 

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours."

- Paul, Cleveland

Enjoy your meetings - Bullshit Bingo!

Grammar mistakes!

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. 

You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2- 3.' When you do that, you will be more studlier than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

 I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

 'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. ' 

I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' 

Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

The thingy!!!

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed he was tan all over except histhingy.' So he decided to do something about it. He  went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his thingy; which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a

 cane. Upon seeing the 'thingy' sticking up in the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. 

Remarking to the other lady, 'There is no justice in the world.' The other lady asked what she meant. 

She said,  

"When I was 20 , I was curious about it. 

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it. 

When I was 50, I paid for it. 

When I was 60, I prayed for it. 

When I was 70, I forgot about it. 

Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat."

Testimonials - Think before you speak!

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - The last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... Or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

 

 

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...

He knew better.

 

 

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men’s balls'

 

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case, The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically,

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day,

My sister has never let me forget.

 

 

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, My toddler decided to release

Some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust andannoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

 

 

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands it was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,

So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

I then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'

I kept thinking

'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'

Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

'No,' he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, Bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 

 

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, In the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

Turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!  

The Wheat Story

When the boy was returning after his marriage he found his wife holding a small packet...

The Boy asked... "What is there in that packet?"

Wife replied... "Darling this is the secret of my life, please never open it or ask me about it further. Otherwise our marriage will be in trouble."

The couple spent their days happily, but the boy was very keen to know what was there in that small packet. 

After some days the boy again told “Darling after marrying you, I got the woman of my dream. But tell me what that packet is... it will never affect our relationship. I love you more than myself"

Wife replied "I also love you more than my life, that is why am telling you not to ask about that.

After some days wife went to her own house and forgot to take her packet along with her, the boy could not resist opening the packet. He went ahead and opened the packet.

He was shocked when he saw the contents of the packet - There was Rs.30 and 2 wheat grains in that packet. The boy could not understand what it was and how it could affect their marriage life.

So when his wife returned, he burst into laughter and said “Darling what is this? How could this have affected our relationship? Whatever may be the outcome, but please share the secret with me."

The wife replied...  "It is not good, but since you have made up your mind to know the secret, here it is - Before marriage each time i had sex with any guy, I put a wheat grain in that packet to realize that I have done a mistake."

The boy saw those two wheat grains and after waiting for two minutes said “It is Ok, everybody makes mistakes. I still love you because you told me the truth...but what is that Rs.30 in the packet?"

The wife relied... “I have sold 6 Kgs of wheat at the rate of Rs. 5/- KG"

The Boy Fainted!

Friends Reunite at a Party!!!

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. 

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. 

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. 

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." 

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the 

company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." 

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away 

something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." 

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?" 

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." 

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." 

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 

30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.   !!!!!!!! 

Santa Banta

Teacher: Aasmaan mein udne wali chiz Ande deti hai, Aur zameen pe rahne wali Bachche deti hai. Kaun c chiz aisse hai jo Aasmaan me udti hai par Bache Zameen par deti hai?

Santa: Airhostess !

Banta was driving his car in a zigzag fashion on d road. Traffic Inspector stopped him.

Banta: I'm learning car driving.

Inspector: Without d instructor?

Banta: Correspondence Course!

Santa's father gave him a gun on wedding night & said: Fire in air if ur wife is virgin, shoot her if not.

Santa fired in air 1st night & shot her 2nd night.

Boss: I'm giving u driver's job. Starting salary Rs. 3000, is it OK

Santa: U R great sir! Starting salary is Ok but how much is DRIVING salary?

Santa & Banta were looking at Egyptian mummy.

Santa: Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.

Banta: Aaho, lorry number is also written... BC 1760 !!!.

Santa Radio lekar POTTY karne gaya.

Banta: Aaj toh mazey se ki hogi ?

Santa: Khaak mazey se ki, radio par Jan-Gan-Man aa gaya, khade-khade karni padi.

Santa went to a museum where he broke a statue.

Officer: U have broken a 5000 years old statue.

Santa: Thank God, mainu lagga nava si hai

Santa gets a Cheque & throws it on the ground. Can you Guess why?

To see whether it'll BOUNCE or not!

Santa-Bus stand jane k kitne paise?

Rikshawala: 10 Rs

Santa: 2Rs mein chalega to theek hai

Rikshawala: 2Rs mein kaun le k jayega?

Santa: Peeche baith main lekar jata hoon.

Santa, Banta & Bobby were going on a motorcycle. Policeman gives hand to stop.

Santa shouted: Oye pagal, pehle hi 3 bethe hain tu kahan baithega?

Italian Pasta Diet - It Really Works!!

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS!! 

1. You walka pasta da bakery.
2. You walka pasta da candy store.
3. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4. You walka pasta da table and da fridge.

 

You will lose weight!

 

And...

 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Fauxpas finally explained

The little girl comes running in to her mother who's in the kitchen.

She's carrying a book and she looks up to her mother and asks:

"Mummy, what are 'fox paws'?

"Fox paws?" her mother asks.  "What do you mean?"

"See," says the little girl, holding up her book and pointing, "'fox paws'!"

"Oh," say her mother.  "You mean 'faux pas' It's French, you know, 'fauxpas'."

"I see, but what does it mean, mummy?"

"Well, let me explain.  Do you recall last week when the Vicar was here for tea?"

"Uh huh."

"And do you recall when we went out into garden to see the flowers?"

"Uh huh."

"And do you remember when he was smelling the roses and he pricked his finger horribly on a thorn, and was just bleeding all over everywhere?"

"Uh huh."

And do you remember later that afternoon when we were in the drawing room about to have tea and you walked in and said 'Hello Vicar. How's

your prick?' and I said 'Oh shit!' and dropped the teapot?"

"Uh huh."

"Well, THAT's a faux pas!" 

Dont ever be late

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the  parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. 

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when  questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people." 

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. 

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession." 

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE! 

Drawback Of Big Screen TV :)

Do you have A V#@&*a?

A woman is at home when she heas someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady 'Do you have a V#@&*a'.

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a V#@&*a'.

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving

and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.

Do you have V#@&*a'.......

'Yes' she says......

The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?'

"The Travails of Single South Indian men of conservative upbringing"

"The Travails of Single South Indian men of conservative upbringing" or "Why we don't get any..."

"Yet another action packed weekend in Mumbai, full of fun, frolic and Introspection. I have learnt many things. For example having money when none of your friends have any is as good as not having any. And after spending much time in movie theatres, cafes and restaurants I have gathered many insights into the endless monotony that is the love life of south Indian men. What I have unearthed is most disheartening. Disheartening because comprehension of these truths will not change our status anytime soon. However there is also cause for joy. We never stood a chance anyway.

What loads the dice against virile, gallant, well educated, good looking, sincere mallus and tams? (Kandus were once among us, but Bangalore has changed all that.) Our futures are shot to hell as soon as our parents bestow upon us names that are anything but alluring. I cannot imagine a more foolproof way of making sure the child remains single till classified advertisements or that maternal uncle in San Francisco thinks otherwise. Name him "Parthasarathy Venkatachalapthy" and his inherent capability to combat celibacy is obliterated before he could even talk. He will grow to be known as Partha.

Before he knows, his smart, seductively named northy classmates start calling him Paratha. No woman in their right minds will go anyway near poor Parthasarathy. His investment banking job doesn't help either. His employer loves him though. He has no personal life you see. By this time the Sanjay Singhs and Bobby Khans from his class have small businesses of their own and spend 60% of their lives in discos and pubs. The remaining 40% is spent coochicooing with leather and denim clad muses in their penthouse flats on Napean Sea Road. Business is safely in the hands of the Mallu manager. 

After all with a name like Blossom Babykutty he can't use his 30000 salary anywhere. Blossom gave up on society when in school they automatically enrolled him for Cookery Classes. Along with all the girls. Yes my dear reader, nomenclature is the first nail in a coffin of neglect and hormonal pandemonium. In a kinder world they would just name the poor southern male child and throw him off the balcony. "Yes appa we have named him Goundamani..." THUD. Life would have been less kinder to him anyway.

If all the women the Upadhyays, Kumars, Pintos and, god forbid, the Sens and Roys in the world have met were distributed amongst the Arunkumars, Vadukuts and Chandramogans we would all be merry casanovas with 3 to 4 pretty things at each arm.

But alas it is not to be. Of course the south Indian women have no such issues. They have names which are like sweet poetry to the ravenous northie hormone tanks. Picture this: "Welcome, and this is my family. This is my daughter Poorni (what a sweet name!!) and my son Ponnalagusamy (er.. hello..).." Cyanide would not be fast enough for poor Samy. Nothing Samy does will help him. He can pump iron, drive fast cars and wear snazzy clothes, but against a brain-dead dude called Arjun Singhania he has as much chance of getting any, as a Benedictine Monk in a Saharan Seminary.

Couple this with the other failures that have plagued our existence. Any attempt at spiking hair with gel fails miserably. In an hour I have a crown of greasy, smelly fibrous mush. My night ends there. However the northy just has to scream "Wakaw!!!" and you have to peel the women off him to let him breathe. In a disco, while we can manage the medium hip shake with neck curls,

once the Bhangra starts pumping ,we are as fluid as cement and gravel in a mixer. Karan Kapoor or Jatin Thapar in the low cut jeans with chaddi strap showing and see through shirt throws his elbows perfectly, the cynosure of all attention. The women love a man who digs pasta and fondue. 

But why do they not see the simple pleasures of curd rice and coconut chutney? When poor Senthilnathan opens his tiffin box  in the office lunch room his female coworkers just dissappear when they see the tamarind rice and poppadums. The have all rematerialised around Bobby Singh who has ordered in Pizza and Garlic bread. (And they have the gall to talk of foreign origin.)

How can a man like me brought up in roomy lungis and oversized polyester shirts ever walk the walk in painted on jeans (that makes a big impression) and neon yellow rib hugging t shirts? All I can do is don my worn "comfort fit" jeans and floral shirt.

Which is pretty low on the "Look at me lady" scale, just above fig leaf skirt and feather headgear a la caveman, and a mite below Khakhi Shirt over a red t shirt and baggy khakhi pants and white trainers a la Rajni (Rajnikant) in "Badshah".

Sociologically too the tam or mallu man is severely sidelined. An average tam stud stays in a house with, on average, three grandparents, three sets of uncles and aunts, and over 10 children. Not the ideal atmosphere for some intimacy and some full throated "WHO'S YOUR DADDY!!!" at the 3 in the morning. The mallu guy of course is almost always in the gulf working alone on some onshore oil rig in the desert. Rheumatic elbows me thinks.

Alas dear friends we are not just meant to set the nights on fire. We are just not built to be "The Ladies Man". The black man has hip hop, the white man has rock, the southie guy only has idlis and tomato rasam or an NRI account in South Indian Bank Ernakulam Branch. Alas as our destiny was determined in one fell swoop by our nomenclature, so will our future be.

A nice arranged little love story. But the agony of course does not end there. On the first night, as the stud sits on his bed finally within touching distance and whispers his sweet desires into her delectable ear, she blushes, turns around and whispers back "But amma has said only on second saturdays..." 

What should I do to marry a rich guy?

This is one from one of the Forums during the 19th Century.

Check out the person who's replied to the lady......

Some where in the beginning of 19th century, a young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

 

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask:

 

What should I do to marry rich persons like you?

Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden ( ?  ) $250k annual income is not enough. I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1. Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym).
2. Which age group should I target?
3. Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.
4. How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (My target now is to get married)

 

Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

 Dear Ms. Ann,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls  out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is  more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm  not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty” and "money": 

Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. 

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset.  It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position / Bull trend".

If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased".

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. 

I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool. Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me… 

 Signed,

- J.P. Morgan

What luck!

One morning at a doctor's clinic,a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That?s how I strained my back" 

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor........  

Embarrassing Situation

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

 

She responds in a loud voice :

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

 

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

 

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying howpeople respond to embarrassing situations."

 

The young man responds loudly with,

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THREE THOUSAND RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"

Family Picture

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Indian moms are one of thier kind!!!

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. 

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates.' About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Kumar said,'Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' 

So he sat down and wrote: 

Dear Mother: 

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. 

Love, Kumar 

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read 

Dear Son: 

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow... 

Love, 

Mom. 

Lesson of the day: 

Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especially if she is Indian!

Finally Some Good NEWS!!!

Why you should LOCK your bathroom?

Do Not Swallow your Chewing-Gum

Government Health Warning

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Do Not Swallow your Chewing-Gum

See What Happens?

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Issued in Public Interest